The things we cannot have
by Amsally
Summary: When 707 leaves MC and his brother behind again, they can't believe it. Together they try to move on from him until MC finally snaps.
1. The things we lost 1

He had turned around without another word and left. And she couldn't do anything but watch as her knees got weak and the stumbled to the floor, eyes pinned at the door. Saeran stood next to her, as speechless as she was. He clenched his fists accompanied by narrowing eyebrows.

"Idiot brother," he hissed and sat down next to her. He quietly rubbed her back for a while, a single tear running down his cheek. Together they waited there in silence. Waiting for Saeyong to come back through the door. But they both knew he wouldn't.

Saeran felt thrown back into his childhood. All the pain, the unknown future - it came back and took the breath out of his lungs. The brothers had promised to live their lives together. To be there for each other. And Saeyong had left.

The pain had never gone completely but he could deal with it. But now that his brother had left a second time despite all his promises not to, the wound was ripped open again and bleeded stronger than ever.

It wasn't any better for MC. Her fiance had just left her because he thought his live was too dangerous for her. He had promised her to stay by her side and promised countless times to never push her away again. And yet on this evening he broke his promises to both his brother and his girlfriend.

When he regained his senses, finally able to suppress the emotions enough to move again, he tried to get her to stand up. The cold floor was no place to sit on for a longer time. She shouldn't get sick, not now. There was enough pain already.

When she wouldn't move on her own he would put her up in his arms, struggling a little under her weight but carrying her to the couch nevertheless. Saeran grabbed all blankest he could find in the house and tugged her under them before he would go and make a huge bowl of icecream for both of them to share. A sigh escaped his mouth.

She still hadn't moved an inch except for her head which was pinned to the door again.  
"He will come back, Saeran," she whispered. Her voice nearly broke at the sound of his name which was so close to his brother's. The redhead shrugged but wouldn't answer. Without a word he handed her a spoon and sat down next to her. She slowly moved an arm out of the blanket to accept it but wouldn't move it any farther.

MC looked at her friend and the tears she had tried to suppress began to cloud her eyes. Before she knew it they ran down her face, making the icecream more salty than before. But Saeran didn't care and neither did she when she pushed the first spoon full of ice cream into her mouth.

The cool sensation relaxed her a tiny bit. It felt soothing in comparison to the burning pain in her chest. In quiet motions they ate the dessert to soothe their pain. One spoon after another, until the bowl was empty.

They decided to watch a movie but none of them really cared. When the messenger alarm went off, they both shrugged. In a split second MC jumped out of the blankets off the couch to her phone. After a few messages she looked away, tears swelling up again.

Saeran took the phone from her hands, reading what the others had written.

 _I have to leave the RFA and I won't come back. Goodbye._

The message was all it took to confirm his darkest fears. So Saeyong decided to end all his relations to his friends, too. His stomach ached. He barely realised MC clawing at his shirt, holding on to him to stop herself from falling. And he broke again as much as she did, so he held on to her as well.

* * *

Hello everyone, thanks for reading up to this point. I decided to write a second fanfic next to my main one and chose a less heavy writing style. So this is kind of a scribbled down idea of mine.  
It has several chapters already ready to be uploaded once a day. So these are a lot shorter and not all the same length. I just tried to describe certain scences I felt were needed for the story. But not every scene needs as much care as others, which means longer and shorter chapters.

I often think about scenarios where 707 would push MC away again but this is the first time I felt like including Saeran.  
What do you think how hw would react if Seven left him again?

Anyways I'd be really happy about reviews and constructive critique. So see you tomorrow with part two.

\- Amsally


	2. The things we lost 2

None of them had ever thought to end up in this situation. A few days had passed already without them knowing time had passed at all. On the same time it felt as if it was rushing away from them. Like sleepwalkers they existed in their bubble of a home without a goal or motivation. It was a week since Saeyong had left. And still they were alone in the bunker.

Caring about themselves had become more distant than ever but they cared for the other one. When she cried he would hold her until she went back to her lifeless self. When he screamed and destroyed everything in sight including himself she would grab his wrists and stopped him from dealing more damage. Without words they spent their time in each others company with questions none of them dared to ask.

They both couldn't eat much but tried to motivate each other to eat at least once a day. Their friends tried to persuade them to go out with them, come over or go eat something with them. But every time one of them declined. Not ready to face the world outside the door Saeyong had closed in front of them.

When Yoosung found out there was no food left he came over more often and cooked for them, always leaving meals in their fridge. He went as far as bringing them fresh ice cream and stocking up on everything they needed without a single question. The blonde had a feeling they weren't ready yet to talk or operate like humans yet.

Day after day one of the RFA members came over to look after them, trying to cheer them up or helping them with simple tasks up but nothing would work. The wounds Seven had left were too fresh, too deep to be ignored.

On the fourteenth day Mc decided they had to go out, see the sun, get groceries, anything. Something normal outside the bunker. Saeran would follow her without a word, not wanting to be alone. His brother had broken his promises again when he left. The quiet redhead was different. He was better than that and he constantly told that to himself to not break down. And while he could survive the days on his own by ignoring his feelings, they would always follow him, ready to haunt him during the nights. Whenever he fell asleep he'd dream about the moments when Saeyong left him without looking back. He would wake up either screaming or shaken by MC and her scared expression.

MC told herself that Saeyong would return if she waited long enough. Whatever hazard he was so afraid of - he would defeat it and come back to her. He was brilliant so of course he would. And as long as the sun was up she could always believe the lies she told herself. But with sunset her fears consumed her night after night. Making her cry again, struggling with insomnia until she gave up on sleep and slowly shuffled into the living room where she munched ice cream or watched movies with Saeran whenever his nightmares kept him from sleeping. Every morning they would wake up on the couch cuddled closely to each other. It became their ritual, one to give each other strength to get through another night full of pain.

On the twentieth day they went out for the second time. This time Saeran had decided to get ice cream. Since MC ate as much of the sweet dish as him, they were left with none. They had thought about walking first since the only cars in the garage belonged to Saeyong but decided against it in the end. It was a small step but they didn't want to run from that as well. So they went with the first car in sight, trying to forget to whom it belonged.

On their way Saeran decided to make a stop at a garden he had liked a lot. Maybe she would like it too. Maybe she would smile. When he stopped at the parking lot she looked at him with her big eyes asking what they were doing here. So he nodded with the biggest smirk he could accomplish, trying to motivate her to leave the car. And so she did.

Slowly they strolled through the garden under the muted sun, looking at one flower after another. MC had never been as obsessed with them as he was so she just followed him but today they couldn't fascinate him either. It didn't take long until both decided to leave this place. It didn't spark joy as they had hoped, it only left them more depressed.

Before they left Saeran went to take some flowers with them. They didn't make him as happy as they once had but he liked the idea to put them into the living room. These special ones would fit the best for his mood now. On his way out another sort caught his eye. He disliked these for their meaning in the language of flowers but they suited the situation even better so he picked them as well. Before that he had never thought of combining these two. But they complimented each other better than he could have imagined.

When MC saw them, a sad smile appeared on her face.

"So you chose these? It fits," she mumbled. Years ago he had taught her the meaning of some flowers and these were ones she recognized immediately. He nodded without an answer. There was no need for more words. They had learned to communicate without sounds on those lonely days.

* * *

Welcome to the second chapter everyone. So.. Saeran and MC are still heartbroken and nothing to be heard of Saeyong after twenty days. How long might these two still believe in him if he chooses to go on like that?

I'd be happy about reviews as always.  
As a Bonus: what do you think which flowers Saeran chose? They both get mentioned in the game. ;)


	3. The things we lost 3

He slowly regained his senses. Everything was blurry, slowly getting clearer. The ringing in his ears was almost deafening, so he tried to shield his ears with his hands, cupping them around his head. Something must have happened. Where was MC?

She lay on the ground a few metres in front of him. A scream filled with fear escaped his lungs as he threw himself in her direction. Was she still alive? Had he hurt her?

"MC? MC!" he screamed desperately at her, trying to reach her somehow as he kneeled on the floor. She didn't answer no matter how hard he shook her. The girl wouldn't react to his desperation. But she was still breathing. Without hesitation or looking back he lifted her up, put her in the car and brought her straight to the hospital, breaking every traffic rule on the way.

During the ride his memories slowly came back to him. They left the garden, walking towards the car to get to the ice cream parlor. It had happened faster than he could act. Men had pushed him to the ground. Others had grabbed her and without thinking he just ticked. When he came to his sensed the men were gone. And MC was unconscious. At least it wasn't him who had hurt her. He was glad about that. The feeling of treating her that way would have killed him. He had done that long ago and it still haunted him, it might go on like forever.

The ride to the hospital wasn't a long one but strained his nerves. He wondered if she would be alright, who these men were, if he had possibly hurt her himself while fending off the aggressors. The thought was unbearable for the man. He bit his lip as he glanced over to her. Still no sign of consciousness. But there were no signs of serious damage to her body it just looked as if she were sleeping.

When they arrived he never left her side, even when the doctors threatened to throw him out of the hospital and call the police. He would stay with her. He would keep his promises. When the police arrived they asked him endless questions about the incident, what happened, who attacked them, why they were under attack. The flow of questions seemed to be endless to him and with every question he got more nervous. He hated being here where he couldn't see MC. Did the doctors treat her well? Was she alright?

With a growing headache he tried his best to answer them but at the end he barely knew anything helpful despite the clothes and height of the men. An officer gave him his card with a phone number and instructed him to call as soon as he remembered anything, MC woke up or they were under attack again. Saeran nodded absentmindedly barely listening to what the man said.

He rushed to MC's room immediately. A nurse checked her blood pressure, glaring angrily at the intruder. Saeran had to discuss the matter for minutes before she gave in and let him stay under the requirement he'd be quiet and stop disturbing her duties. With a sad smirk Saeran grabbed a chair and sat down next to MC. When the nurse left, he didn't look up, his eyes still glued to MC.

His phone vibrated many times before he looked at it the first time. Their friends were in the chatroom again, discussing an upcoming party. When he told The RFA members what had happened, Jumin immediately sent them bodyguards over and ensured the best treatment for MC. Yoosung brought him fresh clothes the next day. Zen came over after auditions and sang songs for MC she liked.

Saeran was glad for the efforts they all made, yet the only person he could endure was Jaehee. The others tried to engage him into conversations, to cheer him up but he couldn't have any of it. She just said hello to him with her calm voice, asked if he needed anything and sat down quietly next to MC, holding her hand or reading next to her. These were the only times he would leave the room for a few minutes, leaving MC under Jaehee's care and every time he came back with new flowers for MC.

The doctors had given up on making him leave. Instead they had put another bed in the room after Jumin demanded it. He was grateful for the powerful man's help; It made things a lot easier for him. At least he could see her now. No more fights with the hospital stuff that wanted him to leave. He didn't have the nerve to deal with people anymore. He just wanted it all to end - Mc waking up and both of them leaving the hospital.

Outside the sun was rising again. It was a week since Mc had fallen unconscious. Fear gripped Saeran's heart more any more with every passing day. He wondered what took so long, why she didn't wake up. Did the doctors treat her wrong? Did her brain get damaged during the fight?

His stomach cramped again, making him whimper quietly as not to disturb her. He hadn't eaten the last day and the day before. Whatever he tried to consume just wouldn't stay down and he was sick of it. In addition another headache was tormenting him in pulsing waves, sending pain everywhere. All he had left was a tiny ray of hope and he held on to it as he tightened his arms around MC's waist.

He had tried, really tried to use the bed they had brought in for him. But every night he would sneak over to her, cuddling under the blanket to hold her during the night. Their old habit helped him relax, sometimes enough to let him sleep. But not tonight. His emotions held him tighter in their grip, destroying every bit of control he had gained over himself during the years away from Mint Eye. When rage and fear slowly made him disappear and almost become unknown, she cuddled closer to him and whisper "Saeran.." in her sleep. This time he was crying.

* * *

Welcome to chapter three, everybody!

So.. I just had to include this part, because I always enjoy some tiny but of angst and fear, unknown outcomes and tormenting my characters.  
On another side I needed to deepen Saeran's fears and bounding to MC a little to make the following chapters work better.  
And let's be honest here: he's just too cute always caring about others. A real cinnamon role.

I wonder what Seven would think if he knew they are sleeping next to each other to soothe the pain of him leaving them.~

Anyways - I'd really love reviews as always and will provide some more tomorrow. See ya!

-Amsally


	4. The things we lost 4

Saeran had been told to call a nurse as soon as she would wake up but his emotions made him wait, hesitate. Maybe it would be alright. Maybe he could hold her, just a little bit longer before she might be taken away by the doctors. She was awake, so she should be alright. Right?

The idea made him shiver, grossed out by his own thought. Had he really just put his own wishes before MC's health? He must have gone crazy. Since when had he become so possessive - again? He didn't want to admit it, neither did he want to allow himself to give in to the feeling. But he wanted to possess this girl, keep her close, so he wouldn't be alone again. Her warmth and her voice for him alone to shelter him from the pain. He wanted her to belong to him alone.

Voices in his mind tormented him, fighting over his senses and the decision he was about to make. Noone other than him should see her in this state. He had to guard her from the world's eyes, keep her safe from another attack! The doctors, the nurses, EVERYONE could be the next one to hurt her! Especially his twin brother. He would keep the idiot that had hurt her feelings as far from her as he could.

Another voice joined him, deepening the headache that controlled him more with every passing second. What if she didn't want to be close to him? She would run away and get hurt again. Her nightmares would keep her from sleeping and as far as he knew she wouldn't even eat as long as nobody reminded her to do so. Even more scenarios flooded in, forcing him to grab his head with both of his hands in a desperate attempt to dampen the ache.

"Saeran?" Her voice reached him as if from far away. He didn't realise it when she moved a little forward to turn around and get a better picture of what was happening. Startled by the look on his face she held her breath and hesitated to make a move as not to scare him in his state. But when she heard him wincing she couldn't hold herself back any longer.

Immediately she hugged her arms around his head, pressing him to her chest and whispering sweet words to distract him from his growing panic attack. It took minutes to get him to shiver less and some more to reduce it into a heavy breathing. She'd count the seconds for him to produce something he could hold onto, something to trust. Still his hands held hers in a tight grip around his head. Both of them had been so possessed by his demons, none had noticed when he had reached out for her.

"You're awake again..," he pressed between his lips, clearly struggling with words. She nodded as an answer, not even thinking about why it was something that terrified him like that. In an attempt to make him look at her she gently squeezed his hand before she pulled back to brush a strand of hair from his face. His eyes followed her every movement, still filled with emotions she wished to never see again.

Continuously she would brush his hair in slow motions with her fingers until he stopped her by gently holding her wrist. With his voice trembling he slowly explained to her what had happened at the garden they had visited a week ago and everything that had happened after that until this day. Of course she had questions. And he would make sure to answer them all without a single exception. He wouldn't hide anything from her. If it was her, he didn't need to keep a single secret.

Suddenly she shivered and tears welled up when she realised what the mens' intentions had been. He could understand the helplessness she felt, it had been his companion for a long time. By the time he finished his explanations the sun had risen high in the sky already, forecasting a beautiful day. The expression on her face told him otherwise. It would be a horrible day for both of them.

The thought of leaving her behind only for a second left a foul taste on his tongue. No way he was going to do that. On the other hand, it had to be done. Unwilling he sat up from the bed they had shared for so many nights when she suddenly grabbed his waist and pulled him back. 

"Don't leave me," she hummed, placing her head against his chest. Of course she could hear the fastened beat the surprise had caused. After hesitating for a few seconds, struggling with thoughts about what he should do, he hugged her gently before he touched her chin with his fingers to lift it. This way he could see the expression on her face more clear. It screamed at him, begged him not to leave her alone.

A small scowl fled his lips as he pressed her back to his chest and hid his face in her hair. Before that he didn't want to go but now it seemed impossible to him. Minutes passed again while he thought about how she had acquired so much power over his thoughts.

"MC, I need to get a nurse to look after you," he left out a sigh, filled with a painful sound. Immediately the girl would shake her head, which clearly screamed no. It would take a long time to finally convince her to let him go. And he hated every step of the way there. When she finally accepted his pleading, he hid his face deeper in her hair, taking a deep breath of it's scent before he left her alone on the bed to call one of the nurses.

Within seconds a lady dressed in white clothes rushed in and began her routine check-ups to see if MC had suffered any damage besides the almost healed scratches on her body. Afterwards doctors would ensure her health a second time before she got an 'ok' to leave the hospital the next morning. Even if the tests didn't show any negative results, they made her stay one more night for surveillance, which might have been caused by Jumin.

Jumin's bodyguards brought them back to the bunker after MC's last checkup the next morning. It still seemed unreal to her that she was unconscious for a whole week. Which meant it was almost a month since Saeyong was gone. Again they would spend her days mostly indoors after Saeran had made sure no security guard entered his house.

From now on they couldn't make a single step outside the bunker without the supervision of their new guards. They didn't feel any better with them but Jumin wouldn't accept MC's wish to send them away. Saeran had saved her and she knew that. She trusted him with her live, so he was enough in her opinion.

Days passed and MC became more nervous. She slowly understood Saeyong was gone. And the more she struggled against it, the harder it was during nighttime to sleep or at least cry quietly to not wake Saeran who still slept next to her every night.

* * *

Welcome to chapter 4 everyone! 

So.. we tortured Saeran a little bit last chapter so I decided to TORTURE HIM EVEN MORE and giving our good boy a break. You know he deserves it.  
I decided to add a lot of hints about how much time is passing to really stress the fact that it takes long to persuade MC to let him go, even for a short while. The attack triggered her anxiety as if being left by Saeyong wasn't enough already.

The two of them are.. kind of sweet I guess? 

Anyways - it's my birthday today so I will focus on havin fun today. Which means no new chapter tomorrow. But after that we will go on as usual.

I'd be glad to see what you think. Did you expect her to grab him? ;)  
-Amsally


	5. The things we lost 5

She had woken up earlier than usual. Somehow she had fallen from the bed she had slept in seconds before. A single look at the other person in the room told her she had not woken him up. Which was good. Concerned she watched him sleep for a while until she decided to leave him alone for now. She was in desperate need for some water and didn't want to wake him up for such a minor reason.

Slowly MC stood up and tiptoed to the door before she opened it, sneaking towards the kitchen. The rooms were lighted by dimmed neon signs that had all kinds of warnings on them. She didn't mind them anymore. Just like most of her surroundings. At least they kept the darkness a bit further away. 

Emotions circled in her and tried to reach the surface but with every day that had passed, she had gotten better in controlling them. Suppressing them if necessary. Whenever they threatened to overwhelm her she locked herself in the bathroom until they passed by.

Saeran had questioned her behaviour often in the first days after they had come home again. Whenever she left the room he followed immediately. The bathroom became her safe place. A heaven for her to be alone.

Somehow his presence pressured her. Saeras existence took the air out of her lungs and filled her head with memories of his twin. When she was half asleep she would confuse him with Saeyong just to realise her mistake seconds after. It ripped her wounds open again and again in a never ending circle. And she didn't know how to escape it.

The urge to get away from him had grown with the passing days. First it was a small ache in her heart but now it was pain, blinding pain that filled her heart whenever she looked at his face. His concerned looks didn't help at all.

He looked just like Saeyong. Again she cursed the fact they were twins.

After a glass of water her thirst still wasn't stilled. A chill accompanied the feeling. She sighed, and a slight regret crept up her spine. She should have slipped into warmer clothes. 

Yet her body wouldn't move. She would wake him up. He would orbit around her again. No. NO! She didn't want to see his face. If there was a way to enjoy the loneliness of the night any longer without the redhead she would gladly take the opportunity. Just a little bit longer before she had to face him again.

The temperature was getting more uncomfortable which made her decide to drink something warm instead to heat her up from the inside. A hot chocolate ignited her searching eyes. Perfect.

The hot beverage didn't take long to make. She took it and sat down on the sofa in the living room, across Saeyongs working place. The photo of her, the twins and the RFA members caught her eyes. They had taken it short after she and her boyfriend had saved Saeran with Vanderwoods help. Everybody had come over to celebrate the success of the last fundraising party. These had been happier days.

She didn't realise the tears. They would fill her eyes, coat her face, and drip to the floor. Here and there she would sip on the cacao, deep in thought about the past. Memories kept coming up, reminding her of everything that had went wrong.

The relationship had not always been happy and she knew that. Ups and downs had come but after every fight they had come out stronger than before. Their love had been strong, she was sure about it. But still a single word haunted her. Why. Why had he thrown everything away. Didn't he believe in her anymore, in their relationship? Had he found somebody else? 

Quiet whimpers escaped her mouth before she could suppress them. Immediately she held her breath, covering her mouth with her empty hand. And listened for signs. Not a single sound filled the bunker. Slowly she began to relax and put her hand away again. He was still asleep. Good.

An hour had passed and she drank her second mug filled with the hot sweet drink. The picture still haunted her. Somehow she couldn't look away or avert her eyes. Without her consent they would wander there again and again and she was sick of it. To free her mind she shook her head and stood up in a swift motion to bring the mug back into the kitchen before she could fall asleep with it still in her hand.

A person peeled from the shadow of the hallway, following her. The second she heard the voice, she froze. He had called out to her but she wouldn't respond. All of the bottled up pain kicked in again with full force, her knees went weak, and she dropped to the floor.

Just before MC could hit the floor he caught her. With both his hands gripping her arm and waist he pulled her upwards again. Helped her stand so she couldn't slip away again. Her eyes filled with tears again. She had wanted to escape her memories, escape this face that was burned into her brain. But here in the dark it looked even more real that it did with the lights on. She knew it was Saeran that held her in his grip but all she could see was Saeyong's face.

And she screamed. Yelled at him to get away from her, to leave and never come back. His expressions darkened at her demands, as if all emotion left him. As if he was dying inside. She could see the pain enter and leave his eyes again and none was left in these mint colored eyes that proved he was not Saeyong at all.

"What is wrong with you," he growled, as he grabbed both of her upper arms and shook her angrily. She screeched as an answer, trying to push him away but she couldn't escape his unforgiving grip. Finally she glared into his eyes and screamed at him: "I can't do this anymore, OK?! I really try to survive the fact he left me but everytime I see you I just…," she paused, gasping for air before she continued.

"It rips me APART, Saeran! Everytime I think it would be HIM and it hurts AGAIN! I can't look at you anymore because every single time I do, I see HIM!", she blasted out, shivering beyond control. His mouth opened a little, disbelief plastered all over his face. His brother had left many days ago and still he haunted both of them. How could she ever compare him with that person?

"I know you're not him, but you feel like him! You sound so similar, you even look exactly like him. And I'm so sick of seeing your, seeing HIS face EVERY SINGLE DAY, Saeran!" Her accusations hit a spot deep in his heart, destroying walls that had been kept up for too long. He hissed through his teeth, eyes closed to mere slits. Anger welled up inside him, flooded his mind, and took every bit of restraint with it.

Immediately he pushed her against the kitchen wall, pressing both her wrists above her head with one hand, the other under her chin. In a abrupt and brutal motion he pulled her head upwards, forcing her to look into his face that hovered mere centimeters in front of hers.

Surprised by the anger and violent action she grasped for air, staring at him in disbelief.

"MC," he hissed again, so close she could feel his breath on her skin. The feeling gave her goosebumps and weakened her knees again. If he hadn't held her ass brutal as he did, she would have slid down the wall towards the ground.

"Never EVER compare us again. I think you need to be TAUGHT he and I are not the same," he threatened, his voice deeper filled with hazard.

In this moment he forced his lips on her, pressing her against the wall with his body. And MC realised he definitely wasn't Saeyong. 

* * *

Welcome to chapter 5 of this Fanfiction aka rollercoaster.  
Our precious bean Saeran snapped first. Who! Who would have guessed that after all his sweet gestures last chapter.

Greetings to FluteMC who might have a mental breakdown if I go on like this. I'm sorry. There will be happier days for both of them someday.

Shower me with hate or critical stuff, I'm really interested in your opinions.  
Until next time

-Amsally


	6. The things we lost 6

Mistake. MISTAKE.

When she shuddered beneath him, an internal alarm went off and stopped him from forcing the kiss on her. The anger was gone, replaced by fear. He immediately realised he had gone to far, too early. And he couldn't take it back.

The more it surprised him when he distanced himself a little and she followed. Longing for him. Less aggressive than he had been, but still demanding she stole kiss from him as sweet as ice cream. And that was it.

Somehow he had let go of her wrists that now were around his neck. Somehow she had come even closer, pushing her body cool body against him in a close hug. And somehow he stood there without a clue what to do, his hands hovering in a hug like gesture without touching her.

She was crying again. And he wouldn't have it. Wanted to apologize for what he just did to her. If it helped her he would hurt himself, he would leave immediately, anything to erase the moment he took advantage of her. the way she shivered made his stomach ache again and left a dull pain he couldn't run from. Guilt.

Minutes must have passed before he found the strength in him to tell her to go to bed. Which she didn't. She wouldn't make a single move, still clinging onto him. A sigh escaped him when he gave up on persuading her. She was as stubborn as ever and he had no idea what she wanted right now. 

Since she didn't answer him, he decided to take action on himself. Again. He had carefully calculated what to do this time. If this wouldn't work, he had no idea what else might.

"MC. Shall we go to sleep?," he whispered, fear filling his voice. She nodded on his shoulder but still showed no intention to move towards the couch or one of the bedrooms. Before he could ask her for the reason why, she mumbled something.

"Can you carry me?"

He twitched a little at the words. Carry her? Not that he didn't want to, but..

"My knees are wobbling. I don't feel able to walk right now," she said with a whiny voice. Which was enough for him to carefully pull her up bridal style and carry her to the bedroom they had slept in earlier. She leaned her head on his shoulder, eyes already closed. It was only a few steps to the room but when they arrived there she was already asleep.

The next day had been weird all the way. None of them knew what to do with the other one. They couldn't stay far away from each other yet they couldn't look each other in the eye either. And they couldn't talk to each other. Everything ended up feeling weird so they just stayed in the same room filled with awkward silence.

MC was in a hot bath when the messenger vibrated. He stayed in the living room again, sitting on the couch with a small bowl of ice cream. Curiously he looked at the message. Usually the RFA members didn't use the chatroom anymore, so it must be something out of the ordinary. They were still friends but it felt wrong to chat like they used to back then when Saeyong was still with them. They all had lost a dear friend.

Did MC recover?

The three words made his heart beat faster, filled him up with rage and made his fist clench hard enough to break the phone. The glass of the screen shattered and dug into his skin, red blood drops starting to fall to the ground. He didn't feel any of it.

Furious he threw the remnants of the electronic device into the garbage can. Did she recover? Was that really all he had to say? If he knew about her former condition he must have known what was going on. That she was under attack. That she stayed at the hospital for a WEEK. And yet he only sent three words.

It pained him to see how little his brother cared for his girlfriend. Former girlfriend? Ex? Whatever they were right now. Since Saeyong had just left he wasn't really sure what their relationship was right now. He knew he shouldn't care if he wanted to avoid hurting himself any more. Yet his mind circled around his twin.

And after a month that was all he sent. He asked about her. What about him? Why wasn't he here, taking care of his girl himself? His brother was such an idiot. He never really understood his or MC's feelings. He never deserved a girl as caring and bright as her. And after all the times he had told him they would spend their lives together his brother just..

"Saeran? What happened?," MC asked as she entered the room, her hair still in a towel from the bath. When she saw his hand she immediately rushed to him. Her eyes went from taking a closer look at it, then at him again, demanding an answer. It fluttered him to see her this concerned about him. Maybe..

No. Telling her the truth would only hurt her. He might tell her everything and break her heart. Blackmailing his twin would be refreshing to a certain degree. But he doubted he could get any closer to her through that. It would only rip her wounds open.

"It's nothing..," he tried to tone it down but she wouldn't have it. Instead she glared at him, her head turning a shade of red. When he still didn't answer she puffed her cheeks which ended in the colour deepening. With furrowed brows she went on louder than before.

"Saeran, what happened?"

"Don't get mad, okay?" he pleaded, his eyes searching hers. While she still stared at him without a sound, be bit his lip, unsure whether he should tell her or not. In the end he gave up. Resisting her pout was hard on his own. The bath towel added just enough to convince him.

"He sent me a message through the messenger. He asked if you had recovered. Three words, nothing else. I just got so angry, I couldn't.." During his speech his words had flown out of his mouth. His voice broke when he was searching for words. Should he have answered? Would he come back if he did?

She stared at him in disbelief. Still holding his hand she stared into the air as if she was somewhere far away from the bunker. Seconds passed and he wondered whether he had made a mistake. Then she snapped back and investigated the wound again before she let go of him. There were red marks on his wrist where she had touched him.

"I'm taking you to the hospital. I can't take care of this by myself," she mumbled expressionless as she put on her shoes and helped him with his since she wouldn't let him use the hurt hand.

* * *

Welcome to chapter #6 everyone.

Well I guess there's some weird devil sitting on my shoulder that screamed at me to make the situation even more uncomfortable that it already was for them. So.. now we had a kiss. A some kind of mutual one. Or not? Decide for yourself I can't.  
So.. they kinda visit the hospital often lately. I hate hospitals. So this should be a weird feeling, going there again. Memories plopping up, ... You know.

MC's really cold again, blocking out emotions as far as she can. I guess that's her way of coping with everything. Until now Saeran was nothing but a nice man but he didn't act like that towards her. Like.. he was interested in her. So it's new for her.

I really rambled enough I guess. I don't even know what I wanted to express with that.

Anyways: have a guess why I send them to the hospital again. Uhm.. that's about enough spoiler I guess?

-Amsally


	7. The things we lost 7

The door banged open shortly after Saeran and MC were alone in the bright room. After a short drive with one of Seven's cars they had reached the hospital and minutes after they had been led here to wait. A doctor had come inside to carefully pluck out the shards with medical tweezers, sew Saeran's more severe wounds where it was needed and had left again during the last hour. Which was close to a miracle since Saeran had protested almost every second and had tried to get away from the needles, scissors and other gear. No matter how often he saw these things he couldn't get used to it.

And no matter how hard he tried to stay calm and endure the treatment he knew he needed, his fears were overwhelming. The sight was enough to send him through a lot of terrifying memories. MC had left, since she wanted to stay outside the room at first but came in immediately when she heard him swearing several times at the doctor. It wasn't necessary for her to come closer or mutter soothing words. Her presence within his sight was calming enough for now. And so he managed to sit as still as he had to, even if it meant he had to bite his lips enough to let them bleed a little. But this time he made sure to not make the work any harder for the other man in the room.

Alone again, they had to stay and wait a little bit for a nurse to put a bandage on the already treated and disinfected wound. An emergency had happened so Dr. Mitkens had to leave immediately to help. Saeran stayed where he had been left on the chair while MC slowly roamed the room and ended her short walk at the other end by the window. The weather had worsened and rain clouds filled her view. Both thought about how well the soft rain suited their mood. Maybe the sunny day last time at the hospital had been a bad sign. Maybe the rain was able to wash everything away and gift them more peaceful days.

The quiescence that once had been soothing for both their minds sent shivers down their spines now. In a way they still knew what was going on within the other. All the raging and twisted thoughts mixed with emotions. The fears and longings they both shared inside them. And they understood. But in the second the silence was broken, there would be no going back and they weren't prepared for that. One mistake, just one wrong step could break them apart. So instead of adressing their concerns, both lingered in a bittersweet loneliness. The waiting time passed without a word between them, not even a look.

So when the door made that banging noise and they both looked up, they didn't expect Saeran's twin brother rushing towards his brother's chair, inspecting Saeran's hand and asking him repeatedly whether he was alright.

And four eyes stared at him in disbelief.

MC stared because she couldn't believe he appeared out of nowhere. Just like he had disappeared before: without a warning.

Saeran stared because he couldn't believe his worst and seemingly never ending nightmare became reality: without a warning.

"Saeran, I'll ask again: Are you alright?" the redhead demanded, louder this time. His voice resembled the restless and breathless state he was in as he was panting between words. But Saeran couldn't focus on his brother that completely ignored MC's presence. As if it wasn't enough that he had left them on their own, now he acted as if she wasn't there. And Saeran couldn't take it anymore but before he could open his mouth MC came closer, shouting at his brother.

"You came?" she screeched. "Now you show up?" Her hands formed to fists she seemed ready to hit him but when they connected, it was a mere powerless move. She barely touched Saeyong. And he still didn't respond. Instead he held on to Saeran's hand while he took a closer look at it. He mumbled to himself, as if he were in his own world.

"… after he was injured a little bit but you didn't show up when I was in the hospital for days?" MC's voice was breaking more and more with every word she pressed out between her shivering lips. In the end it was only a whisper. Just loud enough for the three of them to hear.

"How could you do this to me? I thought you loved- "

Finally Seven gave her a reaction and pushed MC aside, glaring at her. "Be quiet, I'm talking to Saeran. Not YOU. I'm here because of HIM, can't you see?," he said with a quiet yet angered voice. There was no way to misunderstand his words, his objective anymore. He wasn't concerned enough about Saeran to forget about her - he ignored her. He didn't want her around him.

Tears built up, ready to let loose and run down her face. And she let it happen. Mc didn't care anymore about the feelings he might have to face because of her reaction right now. Her mind brimmed full of insults that wanted to be let loose. Furiously she slapped him. Straight in the face with all her might and not a single sign of regret.

"You wanted to be with me, what has changed? We even got engaged. ENGAGED!" she screamed hysterically, and waved her hand with the engagement ring in front of his face, trying to get his attention. Saeran couldn't believe seeing her like this. Never had she ever acted like that - crazy, furious. Incredibly hurt. And he had never seen her slap anyone.

Saeran shrugged his brother's hand off and turned towards MC while she still showered Saeyong with demands and roared questions. And immediately Saeyong pulled back. He turned away and muttered under his voice "I guess I shouldn't have come here. This was a mistake." The last words had left his lips as he avoided MC and stomped towards the exit.

They both stared at the door again even after he had left. Memories of the day a month ago came to the surface again but this time neither of them could cry anymore. They had cried all their tears already.

* * *

Welcome to chapter 7 everyone ^^

Ugh.. this was so hard for me. There were so many parts where I couldn't decide between keeping, reworking or deleting them. Just an example - I somehow wanted MC to throw a tantrum, slap Seven and leave the room. And Saeran should have chased after her.  
But I had a feeling this would be wrong. I don't want to draw a Saeran that follows a bitchy MC everywhere like a puppy. I don't want a bitchy MC. Just a hurt one. So I have to draw a line somewhere. It's just hard to find it. Find out how many steps you can take before you fall down a cliff.

So Saeyong came back, huh? I guess it would have broken my heart if I was MC. Just how much more pain can she endure? Ugh.. whatever. I believe Seven deserved that slap. Felt good to include it.

Anyways - this story seems to be well liked, so thank you. I hope to go on with it but there are a few things that might hinder me from uploading the next weeks. I will still write this fic so new stuff will come either way.

-Amsally


	8. The things we lost 8

Somehow their bodyguards had found themin the hospital and drove them back to the bunker after Saeran's treatment was finished. Neither Mc nor the man had been able to drive or even explain what happened after their encounter with the missing person they had believed to never see again.

For days their phones rang in a never ending loop but neither of them could gather the strength to get up or talk to anyone. The RFA members began to visit them again but nothing seemed to change this time. It was as if the last month and all the progress the two had made hadn't happened at all. They wouldn't communicate. Not with their friends and not with each other. They wouldn't go outside. And with the lost progress even spoken words had left the bunker the two still shared as a home.

Saeyong had left them again without looking back. The situation was so similar to the last time, it pained them even more whenever the memories popped up in their heads. As if one time had not been enough. And Saeran really had enough of it. He didn't want to believe in his brother anymore. Not again. Seven had his chances countless times and he had thrown them away without hesistation. Not trusting someone and keeping secrets had been accepted somehow but this was different - it had pulverized the base of trust they had.

It had taken Saeran more than a year to accept his twin back in his life. To see him every day and live in the same home. He had worked so hard and long to give him a chance after he decided to move in with him. The look on Saeyongs face had been pure and happy. And yet the redheaded hacker failed him. Another chance and the same outcome. Saeran couldn't bear with it any longer.

These days MC had the worst mood swings he had ever seen in a person. One moment she would call him, with an excitement in her voice he couldn't even imagine, because she had found a new awesome ice cream flavour combination she wanted him to try. Other moments would follow where shadows darkened her face, before she went silent and ran out of the room sobbing. She wouldn't talk to him anymore. Even if he tried she blocked him out every single time. But at night he hugged him desperately or clawed at his shirt and her tears left his clothes damp.

A letter informed them that the bunker now officially belonged to Saeran. He hadn't asked for it but he accepted the gift without questioning it further. He would need a place to stay and he liked the safety this place provided, especially after the attack on MC. And somewhere deep in his mind an idea of him and MC here, happy, still had him captivated.

The night he had kissed her was nowhere near the situations he had imagined in his head. Back then he had wanted to wait way longer. Maybe after a few months she would slowly forget Saeyong and see him, right beside her. And when she was ready for it, he might have given her flowers or other things she liked. Things that made her so happy, her eyes would shine brighter than usual. Step by step he would fight his way into her heart and cure the pain his twin had left.

And then, after all that, he had planned to gently surround her and confess his feelings that grew deep inside his heart like the roots of a rose despite all the pain that surrounded them. Saeran wanted her to feel it too. With every breath he ached for that unsure moment in the future. If he would ever get there, he swore to himself, the kiss he would plant on her lips would be slow, gentle, and as sweet as her favourite ice cream.

So he officially offered her to stay as long as she wanted to. He even told her that he was glad she was here with him. But all she did was look away and hide herself under the pile of countless blankets and pillows in the living room.

When he crawled underneath the blankets this night, she was still awake, her back turned to him. She wouldn't turn around to face him, but she finally spoke. It was a soft mumble, barely a sound. Additionally she was shivering, so he moved closer, trying to warm her a little through body contact.

"Saeran, I can't stay like this any longer."

His heart skipped a beat at the sound of her words. What was this supposed to mean? When she went on talking, he realised he had held his breath all this time. Her quivering voice startled him even more. And she told him how everything in the bunker reminded her of Saeyong. How it sickened her every second. That she couldn't stop thinking about him since they had seen him in the hospital. After a break she quietly added "even you remind me of him. I'm sorry Saeran, I know you're not the same. I really do. It's just…," she stopped and took a deep breath as if to relax herself. "You look so similar. And you're so nice to me. I don't think I can handle it."

Everything inside him froze when she told him again, that he reminded her of his brother. He hated it. How could she still compare him with this idiot? He bit his lip which began to bleed a little again, but this time his rage couldn't consume him. He was prepared to fight his emotions this time.

So he remained quiet, trying to take the painful words in. He really tried to understand them, for her sake. He couldn't allow to scare her any more and endanger his dream. Instead had to protect her, as much as Saeyong hadn't. Saeran swore to himself he wouldn't break his promises.

So instead of getting angry at her for comparing them, he asked what he should do, what might help her.

* * *

Welcome to chapter 8 everyone! With this chapter we have officially reached a point where the story will change. The topic, the feelings, the characters, ... you will see.  
I hope you likedd Saeran's idea of happiness. I strongly believe that he deserves it. It's kinda bad to steal his twin's girl but I can't be mad at him for it. Saeyong left.  
With this plot point I want to end the first part of the story. The next chapter will take quite a longer time than the ones before (I'm in a clinic right now and I have the worst conditions ever to upload stories. So I will still write but this is the last one I can upload for at least three weeks ;;;;)

Hope you liked it! -Amsally


	9. The things we follow 1

**Part two: The things we follow**  
Chapter One

* * *

Of all the places that she could have chosen to go to to handle their little problem she had picked the absolute worst one possible. While he was very sure she knew how much her choice affected him and his mental stability, he wondered why she made this place their destination. There were other places like this. Less crowded ones, cheaper ones, and so on. Endless possibilities. And he would have liked any of them better.

His gaze moved from the clock on the high wall to the wooden door, then to MC and back to the clock again. It's been almost three hours and by now he knew every little detail in this room. But with passing time his anxieties grew. She had explained to him that it would take some time. That he didn't have to accompany her. But he just grunted and grabbed his black leather jacket he had worn so often in the past. Now he wasn't as unhealthy and skinny anymore but sometimes it still slid down over his shoulder. Back then he didn't care. Saeran had liked it when people could see and admire his tattoo. It was a promise he had made to Mint Eye at an age where he didn't realise how wrong and blinded he was.

Again his eyes followed the path and he twitched when MC was no longer on the chair she had leaned in. Worry immediately clouded his mind, filling it with questions that screamed at him whether she had left without him. Maybe he had done something to hurt her again and she was trying to run away. His fists clenched, leaving tiny red marks on his hands. There was no way he would leave her alone, even if she tried to run away.

He roamed the room and looked everywhere to find her. She was nowhere to be found. Even the employee that had cared for MC had disappeared. She must have left without him. He tormented his own mind again, wondering how he could have been this careless. He moved towards the door to look outside for her, but a quiet chuckle from behind stopped him mid movement.

Saeran could feel her breath in his neck as she pulled closer from behind within a second. Two small hands covered his eyes. He knew these hands as well as the voice and the person they belonged to. MC. The girl that had stolen his mind. He relaxed a little as he fully realised she was still around. At least he knew where she was. But he disliked what her hands were doing. Not being able to see still scared him.

Not in a mood to play around, he took her by her wrists and pulled her hands away from his eyes. Immediately she let out a disapproving sound and tried to bring herself back in position. But MC had no chance against him since he had trained to protect her better than back when she ended up in the hospital. First it had seemed useless but as weeks passed he had become stronger, less thin and more defined. And he knew she had realised that change, too.

Saeran turned around and brought her hands up high over her head where he held them tightly even as she tried to free herself. She pouted but stopped resisting when he wouldn't stop. Instead a grin formed on her face and that smirk on her lips surprised him enough to let go. Her appearance did the rest.

She had explained it. They had talked about it in the car on their way here. She had even shown him photos and asked him for his opinion about some of them. But none of that had prepared him for this moment. MC's appointment at the hairdresser was...drastic.

"What do you think? Do you like it?" Her eyes lit up and the smirk on her lips grew even wider when she caught him staring at her. For once in weeks she looked actually happy.

Her once long, brown hair was a bit shorter now. Something normal as she had explained. To keep it healthy. So nothing out of the ordinary. What really threw him off was the colour she had chosen. It was no longer a deep shade of hazelnut with a tint of orange. Her hair was the colour of snow now with a slight bit of pink at the ends. It looked exactly the way his had once.

She took a lock of her hair to play with it as she averted her eyes. The longer he didn't answer the more nervous she looked. A tiny blush formed on her cheeks and Saeran was at a loss for words. He knew she wanted a change. But this one surprised and confused him more than anything ever had. On the other hand he had to say SOMETHING since she still waited for a reaction from his side.

"You.. uhm..," he struggled for words. What should he answer? She looked stunning, as beautiful as ever, even better. The colour made her seem a little more pale but it only enhanced her porcelain skin. And he wasn't sure but her eyes seemed to shine in a even brighter shade of caramel. Right now he couldn't imagine something more breathtaking than her.

"..eh..Princ...bea-," he mumbled, not able to look at her as he tried to cover his stutter with a cough. But there was no way she hadn't realised that. His face turned a shade darker than before - a red shade. He could feel the heat on his face and turned away from her, looking at the first object in front of him while he tried to collect himself. Had he just almost called her princess? It was so embarrassing. Saeran wished to disappear from this planet here and now.

He always called her like that when he thought about her. She was his princess. Sweet and innocent. Adorable. And no matter how much he hoped and wished for her to be by his side, she wasn't his to take. This wasn't a miracle in which he could be the white knight and save her. She was his twin brothers girlfriend. Ex - girlfriend. Either way she wasn't over her feelings for Saeyoung. And Saeran wouldn't force her. That one kiss he had stolen had been risky enough. He desperately wished for another one but didn't dare to push the topic.

A hand gently touched him and MC looked at him from the right. When their eyes met she squeezed his shoulder a little and grinned. "Princess? Saeran, that's something good, right?" Now there was no more questions whether she had heard him before or not. So even if he denied it, she would know. A faint blush appeared on his cheeks again as he bit his lip and told her the truth. She became ecstatic when he nodded. A smile plastered all over her face as she laughed, and for the first time in months she sounded genuinely happy.

"And now it's your turn!" The sly smirk on her face in combination with her crossed arms meant danger. She was up to something and he knew very well.

"My turn?"

"We'll get your hair all changed up. Something completely new," she suggested and made a sign with her hands, showing him to the hairdressers chair. Saeran froze immediately. He didn't feel too well around others, especially around strangers. Visiting the mall already made him anxious to a point he could barely stand. The loud noises, the stares, everything stressed him out and added to his headache. He had coped with it until now to make her happy. But having someone touch him and cut or colour his hair was not an option.

She must have ignored the signs because she began pushing him towards the seat. A growl escaped his mouth as he pushed against her with all his strength. But MC didn't give up and used all her strength too. When he realised he couldn't win this way against the most stubborn girl in the planet. he took a tiny step to the side.

The sudden movement sent MC stumbling towards the floor but she never touched the ground. Two arms held her waist and put her back on her feet.

"Careful, would be a shame if you fell," Saeran chuckled. Her head changed colour and she mumbled his name with a annoyed pout. The same reactions as always when she didn't get what she wanted. It only made her more adorable.

"Don't be so stubborn. It's just hair." The expression on her face told him not to argue but he would if he had to. Again she moved closer, trying to move him towards the chair.

"It's not about the hair, MC. I just don't want to physical contact with anyone right now." It had come out harsher than he wanted to but finally she stopped. She seemed to think about something before she opened her mouth again.

"Not even me?" Sadness covered her eyes. He must have said something wrong again.

"You're different," he whispered and put a strand of hair behind her ear. It felt silky and smooth. He wished he could brush them, braid them, anything. Maybe just play with them for hours while they both sit on the couch and watch one of the movies she had been talking about.

Saeran was so consumed in his thoughts he didn't realise she stared at him. She couldn't seem to believe what was happening to her in that moment. Then he stopped and hid his hands in his pockets again. After a short while she collected herself.

"Wait here for me," MC told him and grabbed some tubes from the counter before she went to the check out. He curiously grabbed them from her hands when she came back and read the labels while they both walked through the crowded mall. It was a bottle of bleach, a toner and a pink die. He wondered why she bought them and came to the only possible conclusion. She wanted to do her hair herself at home the next time.

Just as he wanted to ask her about it she grabbed his arm and pulled him after her through a huge hallway. He didn't mind and followed her. On the other side was a small ice cream seller. At the sight, his eyes lit up in excitement. He would always crave some good ice cream, especially mint flavour with tiny chocolate pieces, which was exactly the flavour MC ordered for two. She handed him the cone and they headed back to the exit and the parking lot where the car stood.

They had chosen one of Seven's less fancy cars to drive. Neither of them wanted the attention the fancy sports cars provided. The bodyguards still insisted on driving them but Saeran's glares would keep them at bay when he wanted to. This way he and MC could choose wherever they wanted to drive to and their guards followed in a separate car.

By the time they reached the parking lot, Saeran was only halfway done with his cone so he leaned against the car, licking the cold sweet with joy. When MC giggled and her hair slightly flew in the wind, he grinned a bit. This ice cream was amazing. MC was happy. The clouds formed the most beautiful and surreal formations today. This was a good day. All the heartache and anxiety from before in the crowded mall was blown away by the wind that played with long white hair.

* * *

A.N.: Welcome to the second part of this story. It is called 'The things we follow'. The first part was called 'The things we lost' but I totally forgot to label the chapters that way so I have to do that as soon as I have more time. The titles will make more sense with more chapters but maybe you can already guess what's going to happen.  
I took some more time to write it and reworked it here and there. I started this fanfiction as a challenge to myself. To produce content faster and not rewrite scences 1001 times. Yet here I am again. I guess it's just my kind of writing procedure.

After all the unhappy and angsty stuff some happier days were really needed. So I hope you enjoy this little happy chapter filled with interactions between Saeran and MC.  
Whoever guesses right in the comments why MC chose that hair colour will get a sneak peek for the upcoming chapters ;) So please leave me some reviews. I feel like I need some more critique to improve my writing.

-Amsally


	10. The things we follow 2

**Part two: The things we follow**  
Chapter Two

* * *

The drive back home was nothing special. None of them made a sound, both caught in thoughts. They enjoyed the quiescence, and the radio playing one song after another in the background. Mc had shut her eyes and looked even more breathtaking. Saeran had to concentrate to stay in control over both himself and the car. If she hadn't hummed along to a few of the songs, she might have been sleeping. He enjoyed how much she trusted him. In the beginning of their loneliness, she wouldn't even let him drive. Nowadays she always chose the passenger seat. The sun slowly went down as they came closer to their home. The sunset ignited a great spectacle of coloured clouds, making him wish this moment would last forever.

As he parked the car and touched the handbrake to fasten it, his hand brushed against her soft fingers. MC didn't push aside, instead she left them there and curiously looked at him. Her eyes seemed to test him, taking in his reaction. Statuesque she sat, not moving her hand an inch. He had to put it away to fulfill the planned task. When he touched her, he could hear her stopping her breath for a second. He wondered whether it was by surprise of because he had done something wrong. MC appeared more tense than before, but whatever the reason, she stayed quiet.

Their hands divided and MC rushed out of the car towards the living room, leaving him behind. Saeran stared at the direction she had disappeared to, but it took him a while to collect himself, grab their purchases, and follow her into their home. It took a few turns to bring everything inside, which gave him enough time to let his imagination wander. Back in the bunker his thoughts still lingered on the short touch, that had connected them.

Saeran was used to touching her. Her hands, her head, her hair. Her waist. It happened every day. They still slept next to each other, sometimes cuddling after he pulled her closer, and more spacious on other nights. Still this short moment had felt different in a way he couldn't grip. It aroused a desire in him again and amplified it. A hunger for affection, awakened by a small touch. He was starving.

Considering everything that had happened this day, he came to the conclusion that her hand had been there for one reason: She wanted it that way.

Saeran could hear her in the bathroom, objects rattling on glass. The open door directed his eyes towards her, balancing on toes, stretched upwards as far as she could. MC tried to push a tube onto the highest shelf but struggled reach it. Saeran chuckled at the sight. Her reddened face, the pout, and general manifestation of desperation on her face made her even more appealing. That spot was within his arms range, effortlessly to reach up to. Maybe he could…

He would. MC didn't realise he had entered the room, so he could sneak up from behind. "Let me help you," he breathed in her ear and gently took the tube out of her hands, shortly lingering there, before he slowly reached up. His touch was as soft and delicate as a flower's petal.

Observing of the effect he had on her, Saeran took more time than necessary, and enjoyed every second of it. This time, her reaction was more clear than before in the car. While he pushed the tube on the shelf, so close to her, her back pressed against him, she held her breath and tensed, not moving anymore.

This whole act was embarrassing, heating his face again, but since she couldn't see it, he could manage. Saeran imagined her being flustered, the way he was. Maybe her cheeks were blushing now, or her heart was beating faster. He felt the urge to see her blush and breathless for once.

Fantasies of a possible future filled his mind, leaving a bittersweet taste in his mouth. If she was captivated, there might be a chance. A shot at happiness, together. He could win her. Even if it meant to give up everything in order to make her fall for him. So if he needed to tease her a little, to make her find out he could be more than just a friend, he would.

The tube in position, he leaned forward to her ear again, so she could feel his breath caressing her neck. "Breathe, my precious MC," he muttered as he slowly stroke her hair. Immediately she let out the air she had held in until now. A slight shiver went through MC's body, so he turned away, wondering if that had been to much. Worries filled his mind, asking him whether it had been to early or if he had read her body language wrong.

"Yes.. Saeran." MC turned away with a hitched breath, her cheeks covered by a blush. His eyes caught hers shortly, before she quickly hid her face behind her hands and escaped out of the bathroom. Again she had run away from where he stood and asked himself if he had gone to far. Her expression had been filled with worry, tormenting him and captivating his mind. Just as he wanted to go look for her, she returned with a plastic bowl and some towels.

"You came back.." Unsaid questions resonated in his voice. Saeran had prepared for another trailing. It had become a habit again. He felt horrible about it, and wondered if he left her enough space to breathe, but he couldn't stop himself. Insecurities rushed in whenever she was out of sight. Memories of people attacking MC returned. Wherever she went, he was led by his urge to follow her. As if they were playing hide and seek.

This time instead, she had returned herself. After a day filled with tracing her every time she changed direction or left without a warning, and being unsure if she was running away from him, this soothed his omnipresent worries.

At this moment his brain was racing from memory to memory. Horrifying, bad, and great ones, all mixed up. Little things and situations had become so much more meaningful. Songs suddenly made him think about dancing - dancing with her. Her face when she cried, left him a screeching mess inside. Flowers she pointed out were prettier than they ever had been and icecream, the one thing in his life that had always been perfect, tasted angelic in her presence. When he woke up without her, he could feel his heart ache.

Emotions were flooding him and he was about to drown, but she was both to him. Pain and pleasure, drowning and saving him at the same time.

If she wanted to spend time with him, he would gladly accept, but the things she had brought along confused him. She had just spent hours at the hairdresser's salon. So he wondered what she needed the colours, brushes and bowls for.

His stare must have screamed the questions he had loud enough, since she immediately put the stuff in the sink and asked him, if he was ready for a transformation. His facial expression went from confused to worried. Saeran had heard about girls changing their hair when something big in their lives happened, like a breakup, but he had hoped this wouldn't include MC. Apparently it did, and she wanted to include him, as well.

Changing his hair back to its natural colour had frustrated him greatly. Saeyong had nagged him endlessly to dye it, until Saeran gave in. His only demand had been to do it himself. Getting touched by anyone had not been an option back then. He still couldn't stand the feeling.

"You looked really good with white hair."

Saeran thought back to the time in Mint Eye, when his hair had the same colour as hers had now. It had been a bad time. Yet she was right. He had looked fine with it. The only one who wanted him to have his natural shade again, had been Saeyoung anyways. His brother, that had played with him again. This change of colour could be one step closer back to himself and further away from his twin. Sudden realisation helped Saeran with his decision. He should have done this a long time ago, because deep inside he was ready to let go.

Mc grinned, when he nodded, and immediately grabbed a pair of black rubber gloves. Saeran shuddered as he realised what she planned. She apparently had set her mind to dye his hair by herself.

Until now Saeran had always bleached and coloured his hair himself. So at first the touch and movements were weird and frustrating. He groaned a lot in the process, earning him a lot of angered responses. MC did the procedure not as fast and harsh as he had, whenever Unknown had taken control. Ray, in contrary, had carefully applied the mixture strand by strand, even slower than she did.

None of his personalities had ever massaged his head, as gently as MC did, to make sure the liquid was evenly applied. Small, circular movements traced his hairline. Saeran fit in to the touch more with each second that passed. His joy grew as soon as his everlasting headache seemed to lessen. He would have to ask her one day to repeat the process. If he got the chance he would beg her to repeat it daily. Until then he would watch her working quietly in the mirror.

Hours had passed. Two white haired people stared into the mirror. Their reflections stared back at them, grinning. Their hair was similar now in terms of colour. Like fresh snow, with the ends coloured like the petals of cherry trees. He grinned more. Everything about it seemed to scream they belonged together.

When the woman nodded and turned towards the door, the man held her back and pulled her to his chest and into a tight hug. One arm around her waist, the other around her hip, Saeran hid his face in her hair. MC smelled like sweet ice cream on a summer day. Again he took a deep breath to remember this smell before he addressed her, but she interrupted him.

"Thank you, Saeran. Today was nice."

A sweet chuckle escaped her as she pulled her arms around his neck to deepen the hug. A ticklish feeling build up inside him. Happiness? This day had been one of the best he ever had. She had just told him she enjoyed it as well. Saeran tried to focus on the situation to remember everything, anxiously waiting for the moment she would pull away again, but she stayed. Mc gently tickled his hair with her fingers, while she rested her head against his chest for support. Saeran hummed, appreciating the delicate touch he desperately yearned for.

"I will never ever compare you to him again. I promise."

Saeran tensed at the word 'compare'. He despised the way it made him feel, but the next moment she drew closer and a sweet sensation blew his mind away. Her warm breath on his neck, and the way her hands tightened in his hair would have been enough to make his heart flutter. Instead MC went further, and placed a feathery kiss on his neck.

The moment was short, shorter than he would have wanted it to be. Before he realised it was over, she already buried her head on his shoulder, leaving him inwardly begging for more. Just one more, but he didn't dare to move.

"Yes…precious," he whispered. A heat emerged on his face once more. Thoughts and imaginations took control again. Oh what this girl could do to him…

* * *

Hello again ~ I'm proud to produce something again that has bugged me for weeks. Writing anything besides angst and horror is a real struggle for me it seems. Somehow it always seems not sweet enough or to cringey. Well.. I just needed to get forward with the story and work more on their special relationship. Give you readers something to believe in.  
The way I see it, these two will provide a lot of interesting chapters. ^^  
I hope you enjoyed this as well as the other chapters. I'd love to hear more reviews, the last ones were really interesting!  
\- btw. Someone pointed out I make grammar mistakes. I know that and I really try to fix it but I'm still learning how english grammar and punctuation works. I'd be happy if you give me advice on my mistakes and how to improve this grammar thingy.

Anyways - have great days until next time!


	11. The things we follow 3

I'm sorry but I have to start this chapter with a trigger warning. If you're not comfortable with puking/ vomiting/ etc, please don't read this chapter. It is for character development purposes and will be added with a trigger warning every time.

* * *

She woke up surrounded by darkness and quiescence again. Saeran was still curled up at her side, with one arm pulled around her waist. The heat his body radiated invited her to move closer. He always seemed so happy and peaceful in his sleep, with his ruffled locks, as if everything was perfect. In some ways it was. For him it might have been. She studied the untroubled expression on his face, wondering if he knew about her worries and the struggle that was still so deeply rooted in her heart.

The small kiss, the tight hugs, and all these nights next to him felt so good. They helped her to ignore the devil's whispers inside her. Every of his actions were like tiny band aids, trying to fix her broken heart. He radiated love and peace every day, ready to catch her every time she fell.

On some mornings she woke up without dried tears on her cheeks.

When the sun was shining and they spent their days in gardens, discussing flowers and their language, her heart was peaceful.

Watching movies in the evening with their favourite ice cream flavours on their couch, barely following what happened on screen until they fell asleep, gave her dreams for the future.

On these days, she was able to suppress the pain and ignore it.

At least for a few hours, but as soon as he left her for a minute, or until twilight threatened with another night, the emotions drowned her deeper than before, like waves devouring ships in a storm. She was still sinking after months. It felt like all her tears had built a sea that surrounded her and she never learned how to swim.

Saeran mumbled in his sleep and MC cuddled closer towards him, trying to hide herself from the pain that was hitting her hard again. He was back. His face haunted her, and his voice seemed to be everywhere, even if she covered her ears. Saeyoung. Seven. Agent 707. The defender of justice. If only he had defended her from himself. If only she had listened to him and turned away back then, when she still had the chance.

Immediately she felt the urge to slap herself. As if she could have stayed away from the red headed hacker and his playful, happy go lucky personality. Back then, she had felt the sadness deep down in him and how much he cared for all his friends at the same time. MC had wanted to help him and somewhere along the way her feelings had grown. Until a few months ago, she thought he had felt the same. After all the times she fought for him. Apparently, she had been wrong. Now she wasn't sure anymore if he had ever loved her at all the way she still loved him. A cramp in her stomach followed the thought, adding to the pain that kept her from sleeping.

A whimper escaped her mouth. Immediately she covered her mouth. MC tried to calm herself and stay quiet, so Saeran wouldn't wake up, but it became harder every night that passed. Soon she would break down from all the pain, and she knew there was no way to avoid it, he would see it. MC didn't want to give in. She never had. Deep inside she was still a fighter, willing to attack and struggle to reach her goals. Now all she wanted was to get rid of the thoughts about her fiance, but the more she tried to conceal them, the stronger they returned.

Immediately memories of Saeyoung, helping her covering the hickeys and bite marks after one of their special love nights with some make up, filled her mind. Just like his witty jokes did, as he tried to make her ditch her appointment with Jumin later that day. MC remembered them as if he had told them yesterday. In the end she had left no matter what he said and when Jumin and his driver brought her home in the evening, all her friends had gathered in the bunker. They had organized a surprise party. One of the happiest days in her life had become perfect, when Saeyoung jumped out of a giant cake and screamed at her to marry him, completely covered in cream, chocolate cats, and icing.

Marriage seemed so far away now, as well as a happy life with a family of her own. Summer day memories when they talked about children names filled her mind immediately, followed by his last words before the door shut. Another cramp, followed by a funny feeling. The taste of bile lingered on her lips. She had to get out of this bed. Right now.

Slowly she glided out of Saeran's embrace, trying to make as little noise as possible. Her attempt failed. As always, he immediately woke up, looking confused. He asked if she was alright, but she quickly lied to him, telling him she just had to go to the toilet and would be back in a few minutes. Too tired to identify her lie, he hummed and rolled to the other side of the bed. Before she had left the room, he was sound asleep again, curled up like a cat.

She stood in the door frame, studying him. MC envied his peaceful sleep and wondered how he could be this relaxed, when she was so hurt instead. After all the pain he had suffered, he seemed to cope with it better, and faster. She came to the conclusion that he must have been better at dealing with abandonment than she was.

With this thought still in mind, she closed the door and locked it from outside, knowing it wouldn't take him too long to force the door open, as soon as he woke up. He was still as skilled and dangerous as he had been in Mint Eye. Still, she needed every minute she could get, before he found out about her plans.

First, she had end those stomach cramps. Otherwise she wouldn't be able to concentrate. These pains came more regularly now, but she felt like she could still handle them. It was the one thing, she had under control. No one could take it away from her. It gave her power, the one thing she craved for these days. She desperately needed it.

Crawling over the toilet seat, she tried to control her heavy breathing. It would be hard to stay quiet, but she had done it several times by now. With every contraction, the disgust she felt became smaller and the urge grew, until she finally reached into her mouth, to get rid of the feeling that tormented her. MC wasn't proud, but the only way she had found to let go, was to throw up until she was too weak to think properly.

* * *

Shivering, she lay on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor, watching the ceiling. MC knew she had to get up, if she didn't want to become ill. In addition she had to hurry, before Saeran would wake up and look after her. If only she could find the strength to move her body.

His face suddenly returned to her inner eye. The chaotic redhead, that had always encouraged her to follow her dreams, until he ran away without a proper goodbye. Her fiance Saeyoung still spooked around in her head, and she desperately had to find him. With a heavy breath she stood up, cleaned her face with rough motions and left the room towards the computers he had left behind, just like her.

The monitors lit up immediately after she pressed the power button. They illuminated the room, blinding her for a moment. MC remembered the password after a few errors. The trembling of her fingers had caused more typos than she had expected, only worsened by the shivers that had returned. It grew even more, as she recognized his wallpaper. A picture of them and their friends, the same as the one that had been in the living room. Their huge red couch with Saeran, Saeyoung and her in his arms, surrounded by the other members of the RFA. A memory of happier days.

These had been breathtakingly wonderful memories, and they made her wonder. Wherever she looked, things didn't seem to fit. The last time she had seen him, Saeyoung had been cold and had pushed her away, but all of his belongings screamed how happy he was with her by his side, and his brother so close to them. That picture was just another evidence. Gently she traced the monitor with her fingertips, following his figure, as if she were touching Saeyoung himself instead of a mere photography of him.

MC had stared at it without realising the time that passed. As she finally regained control about her wandering thoughts, she shook her head to clear her mind. Slowly, she began to open folders and pages until she found the program she was looking for. '01010000 01101000 01101111 01101110 01100101'. MC had remembered the funny name, but converted the phrase to be sure. She smirked slightly, as she read the output a second time. He really loved binary codes.

After she opened it and put in the requested data, a loading screen appeared, showing a small red and yellow striped cat with glasses, that ran over the screen. Tears began to disturb her vision at the sight of it. Everything he did, had so much love for details in it. With shivering fingertips she traced her jaw, the way he always had. MC desperately missed and craved that love. Saeyoung had to come back. She would do everything to change his mind and make him stay this time, make him love her. No matter how dangerous his live was, they belonged together.

She lost track of time, caught up in memories again. Every now and then she glanced at the screen, waiting for something new to happen. As the cat was about to reach the right corner of the loading bar, the screen went black with a red skull on it and a message in huge blood red letters.

" _Stop looking for me."_

MC couldn't take her eyes off, a gasp escaped her mouth, and she began to sob from joy. A message from him, finally. She had reached him!

It took awhile for her to realise what he had written. In denial of the truth, tears still ran down her face, dampening her skin and shirt, but now they were pure sadness. The program disappeared, deleting itself from the desktop before the monitor went black in front of her. Darkness mirrored her blank expression.

Saeyoung had taken control of his computer within minutes and blocked her efforts once more. Another path that led to him was gone now, forever. She should have known he would detect one of his own, 'perfect and undetectable' tracking programs. How could she have been this stupid. Of course he wouldn't fall for it. Her hands began to shake uncontrollably and the cramps came back more painful, forcing her to hold her stomach in a desperate attempt to lighten the sting.

Groans of pain, both physically and psychologically, filled the air. MC had given up on muffeling the sounds. It wouldn't change a thing now. Saeran would hear her anyway, and she didn't have the strength to care anymore.

* * *

Hewwo everyone! I completely forgot this chapter had not been uploaded yet and stressed over typing the next one. Am I an idiot sometimes? YES!

I feel like the last chapters were cute. This one.. not as much. I felt like MC just had to have some flaws to be an authentic character in this story. If someone feels bad about the traits I chose - I don't want to trigger anyone. I added a warning on top. If it still makes you feel bad, you can always comment and share your concerns!  
What do you think about this chapter?


	12. The things we follow 4

Saeran had woken up again as he heard her muffled screams. Immediately he shuffled to the other side of the bed to comfort her as always, just to find her gone. A quick glance over his surroundings told him she wasn't in this room anymore. He rushed towards the door only to find it closed, and locked. The white haired couldn't believe it. She had run away from him multiple times and as much as it pained him, he learned to live with that.

Never had she ever locked him out. Saeran squeezed his hands to fists, banging against the door. No reaction. Swearing every bad word he knew, he searched through the bedroom to find something that might help him pick the lock. For hell's sake, he wouldn't stay in this room if she was crying outside. Even if she wanted him to leave her be.

Minutes passed before he had found some tools he deemed worthy. In the end almost every drawer and corner was opened and devastated in his attempt to find keys or anything that might help him. Even more minutes passed while he was on one knee, working with shivering hands, before the lock finally gave in and made a quiet clicking noise, hinting the door wasn't blocked any longer.

As the bedroom door banged open and Saeran blasted out of the room towards her, she didn't react at all, caught deep inside her own thoughts. He shook her shoulders heavily, and called her name, trying to bring her back to the surface, but none of his actions helped. Desperately, he screamed at her to return, to not leave him alone. Between shaking and screaming, he asked what had happened to her. Her eyes stayed emotionless, only producing more tears, as he pulled her close and carried her towards the couch in the living room where he rocked her back and forth, stroking her hair until the end of the night.

Saeran knew she must have done something on that computer that belonged to his twin. He had thought about throwing the thing out before, but until now he didn't have a reason to. Now he couldn't anymore. MC had done something there that had caused another mental breakdown of hers, and he doubted she would tell him what exactly that had been.

Still rocking her body back and forth, he glared at the computer from the corner of his eye. This had been another mistake. He had caused her pain again. Everything had been on a good path. Now he had a feeling he would have to start all over again, trying to help her stabilize herself. It felt like a never ending circle. Just when he dared to hope for happiness, new problems appeared.

He furrowed his brows subconsciously, letting out a deep sigh. Was this the punishment for all his sins? He knew he deserved it, but he didn't want her to be a part of the pain. She should be happier, but somehow she wasn't.

It seemed like demons still haunted her. No matter how many wonderful days they spent together, he still woke up to her crying next to him. He knew something was up, he had known all along, but as long as she wouldn't talk, he would not ask questions. If he asked too early, she would only move further away again.

With another sigh he gently stroke her hair and pulled a strand behind her ear to keep it from hiding her face. Tears had left dark marks on her cheeks where they had run down her skin. As he tried to brush them away she grabbed his wrist before he could touch her.

"Don't."

One word was enough to keep him from another movement. In silence they stayed on the sofa, still slowly rocking back and forth. Her tears eventually dried along with her declining sobs to an eerie silence that none of them dared to break.

Saeran shuffeld from side to side as he tried to find a more comfortable position to sleep. The sofa was soft, but after some hours his back ached. Still he didn't dare to stand up and leave the room. Just let her sleep, he thought. Give her the peace she needs. She will return your feelings one day.

He bit his lip, as anger flared up. What a waste of time and hope this was. MC would never fall for him, as long as his brother was around. Even after all this time she still had feelings for the idiot. She was still in love with Saeyoung. He could see it in her eyes. Whatever he did, it wasn't enough. The flowers, the ice cream dates, even the hairdresser thing, nothing seemed to make her laugh the way he had done.

The voices in his head wouldn't stop nagging him. One tried to tell him that he was good enough and that she just needed more time. The other screamed at him to make her love him by force, no matter what the consequences were. Both mixed to a maniac laughter, that tormented him until he couldn't take it anymore.

In one motion he pushed her away and rushed away from the couch and towards the computer she had used before. Saeyoung might have thrown her out, but he couldn't compete with him.

He was better than this idiot. He wouldn't lose. He was the strongest.

* * *

Hello again! Here is Sevy/Amsally with news.  
I was a bit afk because my back pains are going strong again and sitting down to write stuff it just too painful. I know this chapter is a lot shorter than the last ones and less well written - I'm just not able to produce the usual 'quality' in the state I am in right now.  
So I have decided to push the story forward and see where it takes me. I just won't try to make chapters ~2000 words for now. Chapters will be as long as they want to be lol.  
Hey uhm - I'm interested. What do you think about Saeyoung so far in this story?

And a little hint: I'm on tumblr as well. You can find me there as phdandhbc and I write some HC and shorter things there as well. Feel free to look me up there as well :)


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